I'm back.... i'm starting not to care about stuff again....starting to ignore things around me...starting to not be affected by anything.... a couple of weeks ago... i was very emotional. i was affected by every single thing about the people that matter to me. my officemates asked me about my ex boyfriend and they were so curious about him and was asking me to show his picture. so what i did was i opened his profile....i dont usually check his profile.... i never really checked it until the other day.... i must admit i was ....how should i say this...surpised? i felt a tinge of sadness when i saw his picture with his new girlfriend.... i mean i know about his new girlfriend, but seeing new pictures of them....together....looking so happy and ...oh i dont know...it just made me sad for a while. he met her a week after we broke up and that was like last year...and now they are still together....and i was thinking....why is it that i'm not finding someone....??? i mean i met someone after him....he was half japanese and i thought....he was the one...or i wanted him to be the one....obviously...it didnt work out.....it would have been nice though....after him...spent a couple of months wallowing....after awhile...got over it....and then i met someone again....i was a little hesitant about showing him how i really felt....because i didnt want to be fooled again....to cut the story short-he decided to leave...ouch! it really hurt....spent a couple of days or weeks thinking about it...but i started to get over it....and now i can say i am doing fine...again...i'm not happy...but i'm fine and thats what matters to me....

so lets get back to what i'm trying to say in the first place. i'm back means...i'm back to being the neutral cil who doesnt get affected easily or at all....i'm like a guy again....i'm in a way..starting to enjoy the fact that i am not expecting anything from anyone....although...there are times when my defenses are low...especially during the weekends...hmmm...wonder why...only my best friend knows...(so shut your mouth! i know you're reading this! :)) i still get to talk to the last guy....the one who decided to go....and i still enjoy our conversations on the phone.... and i must admit that i do miss him.... but thats just it....i feel that i have nothing more to do....nothing to hold on to anymore.... he always tells me when we talk on the phone that he feels that there are things that i want to say.....and he claims that i just dont say it.....funny...wonder why he got that. IT IS TRUE! i want to say a lot of things to him....but i cant make myself....i feel that there is no point in telling him.....and sometimes i am afraid that it might change what we have now. i find it best to keep it in my mind and in my heart where no one else can know.

As i've said...i am starting to live like a guy again....cannot really put into words what i mean by that but i can say what i dont mean....i'm not living like an asshole or a jerk....its just that i dont want to get involved with anyone anymore....i find it stupid to commit....i cant even find anyone who accepts me for who i really am. so why bother? do not get me wrong...i dont hate men...i actually like men....just dont trust them anymore i guess...i've been fooled 3 times...i should learn my lesson.

makes me wonder...which is the real me? i have been very emotional or you could say i am the epitome of an emotional and sensitive woman...atleast i used to be....but now...i'm more of the "whatever happens" kinda girl..... getting kinda confused...maybe i just havent met the right one...or maybe i did....maybe it was right infront of me...i was just looking too far ahead to see

i am back where i started....i cant believe i am here again... i was doing fine until....

it started last december....i was so devasted...got my heart broken...2nd time around.... i was fucked up after that....i couldnt stop talking about how unbelievably sad i was....went out most of the time...met up with my friends at glorietta 4 starbucks and talked about how shitty life has been for all of us.... it was like a regular thing for a month....until one day...i finally got over it...got tired of talking about it...got tired of asking questions about it...got tired of wondering what happened....why it happened....endlessly looking for answers to help me understand ...even just a little bit of it...... one day i just woke up not feeling anything.....which was supposed to be a good thing...

well...at first it was fun... i was so carefree...which was not one of my many characteristics....i didnt feel anything at all... everything was just so neutral.... i wasnt happy....but i didnt give a damn....because i wasnt sad...and thats what mattered to me... i slowly built a strong wall that kept me from getting hurt and getting too emotional or getting too intimate with anyone...i told myself i'm never gonna let myself in too deep......that i wasnt gonna fall....and i was succeeding.....for a moment there...i was kinda living a guys life......and i was enjoying it.... met a lot of people....flirted....had so many crushes.....liked many guys....texting...chatting...stuff like that...and then i met someone that i liked.... fortunately....he liked me too.... started going out in groups....then he started texting.....and then he started calling.....the next thing i knew...he was confessing his feelings for me...which was a good thing of course.....the problem was me...... i wasnt ready to commit to anyone....but i liked him.... i even told him that....i spent most of my time on the phone with him....which i totally enjoyed.... never got tired of it....also told him that i loved him....but....i just wasnt ready....since i became too complacent about his feeling for me...i kinda took him for granted a bit....and did stupid things which i confessed to him..... until one day...he just got tired and told me that we should stop......he dropped the bomb just when i was about to tell him that i was ready to commit..... talked about it over the phone for hours....i couldnt believe it...part of the reason why i was prolonging it was because i wanted to test his patience.....i wanted to see how much he really liked me....i dont know why he stopped because i never said i didnt like him or somthing like that....he tried explaining...but i just didnt understand.....i couldnt understand...or maybe i didnt want to understand...i dont know...it just really hurt....i was hoping we could still fix it.....but after almost 7 hours on the phone....nothing changed....got tired so i ended the call....i couldnt sleep...couldnt eat....then he called after a couple of hours....he was still sweet...but something was different.... talked to my sisters and friends about it...they told me that i should do something about it if i really want to win him back....
so i wrote him a letter...a letter that contained every procedure that will destroy the wall that i've built for the past months....i didnt care...i just wanted to tell him everything that my heart wanted to say....but that didnt work as well....after that...i kinda got a little pissed or maybe just disappointed...we spent a little time together the day that i gave him the letter and he was still sweet...he was holding my hand and hugging and kissing me....it felt good and at the same time ...it made me sad....i was thinking it was probably the last time i was gonna see him....or hear from him....aside from the fact that people were telling me that there was another girl didnt help me at all...i confronted him about it and he said nothing was happening...i didnt know what to think....one thing is for sure.... i felt better after i gave him the letter.... atleast its not going to be one of my many what ifs in life.....i believe i did my part....i guess his feelings for me was just not enough....he still calls....but i know its not the same anymore...i guess i should just listen to what he said: move on....

i know i probably did stuff that hurt him....and i wish i could take it all back....but i cant...all i can say is....i'm sorry mike... i'm sorry...